Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
