Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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