I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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