So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
