i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
