Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
