Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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