how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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