I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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