i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
