Pants 0. Shit 1.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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