Are we in a gay sports bar?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
