You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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