I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You are a genius and a whore.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
