not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
