ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
