i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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