when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
