If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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