why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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