Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
