haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
