And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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