She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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