i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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