I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
