Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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