I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
