sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
