So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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