Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
