I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
