I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
