I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
