they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
