I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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