I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
