The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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