I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
