i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
