when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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