so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
