my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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