grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
