I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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