I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
