Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm passing your future prison.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
