I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
