turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
