I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
