oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
