He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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