That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
