I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
