i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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