In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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