I hate all girls vehemently.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
