your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
its liver damage thursday
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
