no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize